When Dudley Met Harry
by Blatant Discontent
Summary: Before 5th year, Dudley approaches Harry in his bedroom to show him something interesting... get your mind out of the gutter! It's just a book! Namely, the book. See how Harry reacts when Dudley shows him this and another secret. Pre OOTP, HBP.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Do you see a mansion? Neither do I.  
  
Harry sat in his bed bored out of his mind. It was two weeks into summer vacation and already he had done all his assigned homework for the summer, including a Potions essay over the effects of the Pilocorpus Draught and a Charms paper over how to cast a Pennipes surculus charm, and the precautions of doing this to humans (the castee of this charm would sprout wings, with the possible danger of growing green ears on his feet). All the previously untouched Muggle books in what used to be Dudley's second room had been read already. A couple of days ago, Harry had become so desperate as to owl a request to Hermione and Ron for some entertainment. Ron had written back saying that if Harry found some entertainment could he please send half of it to the Burrow, and Hermione had owled "Hogwarts, A History," a thousand-page tome just about as interesting as stale bread. Harry was already halfway through it.  
  
The reason Harry was so bored was really quite simple: he was presently locked into his bedroom, and was also somewhat wary of sleeping. Every night without fail Harry had the same nightmare: he would dream about the night of the third task, the night when Voldemort rose using Harry's own blood, so he could continue to breed hatred and distrust in the wizard world. Nightly the same face laughed at Harry bound to a tomb, helpless, a face devoid of all humanity. Red eyes glared out of a noseless, grey face. Harry thought that he was almost uglier than Snape. It was a small consolation to him that if he ever had to face Voldemort again, he could say so.  
  
Upon coming home from the holidays, Harry wasn't himself. Of course, it had been a mere week from the night when he watched a classmate get murdered and helped one of the most evil wizards in history rise from the near-dead, so that was to be expected. His aunt and uncle were very understanding. After waking up to find Harry screaming in the middle of the night every night for a week, his uncle had installed a sound-proof door, complete with a padlock and a cat flap to push meals through, and left a ladder in the rose bushes, in the hope that the "Dark Lord" that Harry kept yelling about might climb up it and finish him off some night. Uncle Vernon figured getting a good night's sleep would be worth the risk of getting turned into a frog by a godfather that he didn't even know existed.  
  
Of course, Harry knew how to pick locks. Fred and George Weasley had shown him before his second year at Hogwarts. But he didn't want his aunt and uncle to know this and find a more permanent way of caging him in, so he remained in his room until everyone was asleep. He still had around eight more hours to go.  
  
Harry heard rustling below his window. Out of curiosity, and because he had nothing better to do, he opened his window and began poking his head out when something cold and metallic rammed him in the forehead. "Aargh!" he yelled in pain.  
  
"Sorry," he heard from out the window, "you really should be more careful, Harry!" It was his cousin Dudley. Of course. Nothing in the world could bring Dudley more joy than to "accidentally" smash him in the head with a ladder. After minutes of grunting and heavy breathing, a head of blond hair and watery blue eyes peeked out of a massive face that was Dudley. His diet had taken great effect. Harry supposed that the school must've fed him nothing but carrot sticks all year long for Dudley to have lost so much weight, but he was merely extremely overweight now instead of ridiculously obese.  
  
"What are you doing in my room Dudley?" Harry growled suspiciously.  
  
"Oh, I just wanted to talk," he said defensively. "You've got to be incredibly bored up here."  
  
"Okay, Dudley. Never in 14 years did you ever 'just want to talk.' Remember, I can do a lot more damage to you than you can do to me."  
  
Dudley looked a little intimidated. "Come off it, Harry! I wanted to show you something really cool!" Harry pondered for a bit. He sighed.  
  
"Okay, Dudley. But if you so much as sneeze on me, I'll let you have it!" Harry didn't really know what to make of Dudley's sudden goodwill. *Next thing you know Voldemort will be tattooing Dumbledore's name inside a giant heart on his bum* Harry thought, *Yech, bad mental image. Really bad mental image... ewwww...* He decided to direct his attention to Dudley in hopes to relieve himself from the workings of his sick, twisted mind.  
  
"Well, one day in English class, near the beginning of last year, Professor Merian told us we had to read a book and write a report." Harry snorted. He seriously doubted Dudley had ever read a book in his life. "Well, since you weren't there to write the report for me, I had to figure out what to read."  
  
"You mean you had to figure out *how* to read."  
  
"Oh shush. Anyway, I asked Merian what I should read, and he gave me this book here."  
  
"Dudley, did you climb all the way up the ladder just to show me a stupid boo--" Harry gasped. In Dudley's hand was *Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone*.  
  
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	2. The Dud Lights Up

Disclaimer: I am not a potato. ?!  
  
I apologize for the confusion. I messed up when uploading the chapter and uploaded the wrong version. ::blushes::  
  
Chapter 2: The Dud Lights Up.  
  
"Yeah," said Dudley grimly."  
  
"Is that..."  
  
"Everything. You do have a knack for getting in trouble, don't you?"  
  
Harry took the book and flipped open to a random page. "Oh my God, it even has Norbert in here! Hagrid'll in so much trouble if someone finds out!"  
  
"Hagrid's that git that tried to turn me into a pig, isn't he?" asked Dudley with a gleam in his eyes.  
  
"Dudley!"  
  
"Just joking, jeez..."  
  
Harry gave Dudley, who was rubbing his chins with a mischievous look on his face, a very alarmed glance then turned back to the book. "Dudley, did you read through this whole thing?" he asked, flipping through the pages and pausing every once in a while.  
  
"Yeah, I read every word," he replied proudly, "I really couldn't help it, could I? I'm in it. I've been handing out signed copies at school."  
  
"To who?!"  
  
"Well, let me show you."  
  
Dudley flipped to the front cover and handed the book to Harry. There was written in pastel pink ink: "To myself. With frank admiration." Harry hastily turned his snort into a hacking cough.  
  
"Can you sign it too?" asked Dudley with a pleading look in his eyes. Resigned, Harry picked up a nearby quill and wrote "Dudley, you silly idiot, here's your signature: Signed, Harry J. Potter." God, I am sooo glad Lockhart isn't here, Harry thought fervently.  
  
"Thanks a lot," said Dudley sarcastically after reading it. Harry sneered at him then went to flip on his light so he could see the book better. The light burned out.  
  
"Oh man," Harry moaned in consternation, "How in earth am I going to get that changed?!"  
  
"Don't worry about that," said Dudley. With a wave of his Smeltings stick and a muttered Luminaire, the bulb glowed brightly again.  
  
Harry stared. He squeaked then cleared his throat. "Dudley? What the hell was that?!"  
  
"Magic," replied Dudley with an annoyingly superior look on his face.  
  
"I bloody well know it's magic. You're a Muggle! You didn't get a Hogwarts letter!"  
  
"Ever since that oaf Hagrid tried to turn me into a pig I've been able to so some magic. Well, when I have my Smeltings stick, that is. I think he must've messed up the spell."  
  
"Oh," said Harry simply, nodding in confusion.  
  
Just then an owl swooped through Harry's open window. It dropped a note on Harry's head then swooped back out again importantly without pausing. Harry recognized the style of owl and groaned. It was from the Ministry of Magic.  
  
Dear Mr. Potter:  
  
We have become aware of the casting of an unidentified lighting charm in your place of residence, Number 4 Privet Drive. As you have been previously notified, the Underage Wizard Act, Ministry Regulation Number 14A Section 293 Lines 47-53 strictly prohibits the use of magic outside of school. You should also be aware that experimenting with charms is extremely dangerous and should be attempted only in highly regulated areas under Ministry supervision. We have sent this note as a written confirmation of your expulsion from your current school, Hogwarts Academy. A Ministry official will be by in a few days to snap your wand and complete the ceremony of expulsion.  
  
Sincerely,  
  
Hanna Hackerlimby,  
  
Department of Underage Wizardry;  
  
Geoffrey MacGirvins,  
  
Department of Experimental Charms.  
  
*~*  
  
Harry was in a very sad state. He hadn't taken a shower in almost a week in his depression. His hair, which was previously messy but soft and clean to the touch was matted and almost one-tenth as greasy as Snape's hair. His eyes were ringed with dark shadows and his face was the greenish-gray color of a rotten kiwi. He had been expelled. Dudley cast a really weird spell he had never seen before, and Harry was expelled. They were going to snap his wand. The wand that Fawkes donated a tail feather for. The wand that had saved him from death at Voldemort's hands. The wand that made the most beautiful patronus. The wand that always gave the wrong result in Transfiguration.  
  
While Harry's glum thoughts kept him staring blankly at a spot on his wall next to his door, Dudley was going through his own mental turmoil. A few months ago, he would've thought this situation was hilariously brilliant. He would've congratulated himself for getting Harry expelled from the one place he was happy. But now Dudley had seen some friendliness in Harry. He wasn't just the lowly abnormality in the family. The book Dudley had read gave Harry a very human aspect. Okay, a superhuman aspect. So now what to do? Should he tell the Ministry official that he was the one that had cast the spell? His mum and dad would love that. So should he value his parents' unconditional love over Harry's education? Dudley turned over in bed. He'd just have to think about it in the morning.  
  
Morning came too soon, unfortunately, and with it came a man from the Ministry. Harry heard a polite knock at the door and finally came out of his stupor. Downstairs he could hear his aunt make her way to the front door and pull it open. Harry jumped out of his bed to put his ear at the door. Something cold and wet stuck to his feet. It was soup. Four cups of soup. Evidently, Harry had forgotten to drink his meals for the past day and a half. Suddenly he felt very woozy what with lack of food and water and anxiety over the fate of his wand.  
  
Aunt Petunia opened the front door to see a disturbingly familiar man wearing a flowery blouse under worn-out overalls and a pair of soccer cleats. She slammed the door shut in his face.  
  
Another knock came at the front door. Aunt Petunia ignored it, hoping the man would go away as Mr. Dursley was presently out to work. She had no such luck. With a small pop, the man appeared in her living room and cheerfully waved his hand. "How do you do, Mrs. Dursley?" he asked with a very fixed smile on his face. She screamed.  
  
Upstairs, Harry suddenly got a very large headache. Aunt Petunia's screams were notoriously loud and high-pitched. That must be the Ministry official he thought miserably, why can't she just let him come in, snap my wand, then leave again? I mean, from the sound of it, it must've been Snape and he must've given her a very wet kiss on the lips. Oh damn me and my disgusting thoughts! I can't get that one out of my dirty head!! Revolting...  
  
Just then Harry heard voices right outside his door. "What, you mean he's locked inside? You don't even have a key?" said a muffled voice.  
  
"Oh, I think we lost it a few weeks ago. It's very hard to keep track of little things like that," Aunt Petunia replied matter-of-factly.  
  
"You terrible woman! Don't you know what that poor boy has been through?" asked the man in a very high-pitched voice.  
  
"Do I look like I care?" she asked. The man gave a disgusted sigh and with another small pop Apparated on Harry's soup.  
  
"Oh my God," he uttered softly; taking in Harry's ruffled appearance and pale face. It was Mr. Weasley.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Thank you guys soo much for your wonderful reviews! They were extremely encouraging.  
  
Curlycurlz: You should probably use electric tape. It hurts a lot less to tear it off. Thank you for your review!  
  
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potter-chick22: Thank you!  
  
chris pwure: Yeah, I thought about it. I have a good explanation for everything soon, I promise. ;) Thanks for not killing me for the cliffhanger. :D  
  
preety-lady-serenity: I'm a really weird person. It kinda fits... ;)  
  
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MikiBaby: Not that great, unfortunately. I'm scared people are looking for an MST. I hope you enjoyed this chapter as well! Thank you! Divine-Bovines: Well, that's good, cause I want to write more as well! Thank you!  
  
Duke20104: That *is* really weird... dude... Though it has probably already diverged from what you were thinking of... I'm a strange monkey. Thanks for your review!  
  
neely61: Sarcasm is good. ;) I'm planning to make it around 20-30 chapters if I don't give up cause I'm too lazy. Thanks for the offer, but I already have a BETA. Anyway, thanks for the review and the offer!  
  
missgiggles12087: Good. ;)  
  
whichwitch2: ::Blushes:: Thanks!  
  
LightningCleave: It took him a lot of willpower. Especially when he read his description... perhaps a flashback? ::snicker:: Thanks for your review and inspiration!  
  
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Please join me next time to see how Harry and Dudley deal with Mr. Weasley. ;)  
  
I plan to update in 1 week. You can make sure I don't miss this deadline by clicking that nice little purple button and reviewing/flaming/criticizing. ;) 


	3. Ministry Mayhem

Chapter 2: Ministry Mayhem "Mr. Weasley?" Harry exclaimed, sitting up, "What are you doing here?" He gave a sigh of relief. "I thought you were the Ministry official sent to expel me."  
  
Mr. Weasley pulled his feet from the soup cans with a small slurp, and sat down on Harry's bed gravely. "I am the Ministry official sent to expel you, Harry."  
  
Harry's face grew pale. "But wha... you don't work with... what does Muggle Artifacts have to do with... with expulsions?!" Harry stuttered nervously.  
  
"Nothing at all," Mr. Weasley said haltingly, his ears glowing red, "I slipped a potion in Smathers' tea, to tell you the truth, and when he sprouted cucumbers from his ears I volunteered to take his place. But that's besides the point," he continued more quickly, "Why the hell did you do magic, Harry? You know you're no longer in Fudge's good graces! He was just looking for a way to get you discredited!"  
  
"But I didn't do any magic! That was Dudley!" Harry protested. Mr. Weasley sighed, heavily irritated.  
  
"Harry, I'm not daft. I can't believe you thought I would fall for that! Your cousin is a Muggle! And he's really fat, too!!"  
  
"I know he is, but I'm telling you, I saw it with my own eyes! You can ask him! And he's slimmed down a tad."  
  
Mr. Weasley stood up sharply. "Harry, you're not making this easy for me. I thought Fudge was full of crock, but I'm beginning to see where he got his opinions from. Muggles doing magic?! Dudley becoming slim?! Honestly! Next you're going to tell me Snape uses shampoo! I was sent here by Dumbledore to figure out some way of keeping you from being expelled, but now I'm pretty sure you deserve it. So, Merlin help me, I don't care what Dumbledore says. You are giving me your wand now and---"  
  
Mr. Weasley's ranting was interrupted by a sharp clang and a yelled, "Hold on a sec!" as the muddy metal ladder was once again slammed into the window frame. After a few minutes of laboured grunting, Dudley threw his Smeltings stick into Harry's hands then forced his bulk through the window, and stood up, panting heavily.  
  
"Oh, you're right. He has slimmed down a bit. Good job, Dudley," Mr. Weasley said, somewhat impressed.  
  
"Thanks," wheezed Dudley, trying to look cool but not quite pulling it off as he was still attempting to catch his breath. "Now, Mr. Weasle,"  
  
"Weasley," whispered Harry anxiously.  
  
"Er, sorry, Weasley. Anyway, don't expel Harry. It wasn't him. I did the magic. I've done it before. Dunno why you guys didn't catch it till now."  
  
Poor Mr. Weasley looked extremely confused. "Dudley, son, I don't know how to put this, but you're a Muggle. You can't possibly do magic."  
  
"Then I'll prove it to you!" Dudley jumped up eagerly, clutching his Smeltings stick. "I'm gonna unlock Harry's door." With a fierce look of concentration writ across his face, Dudley raised his stick impressively and shouted, "Oklahoma!" The door didn't budge.  
  
"I think I've seen enough," Mr. Weasley growled, once again exasperated.  
  
"You stupid prat it's Alohamora, not Oklahoma!" Harry yelled fervently.  
  
"Oh, yeah. I never was very bright... What was it again? Alomahora?" Dudley asked, waving his stick about carelessly. Suddenly, Mr. Weasley's hair burst on fire. Or at least, that's what Harry thought initially. After a short while it became apparent that his hair was quickly thickening and lengthening, filling in his bald spot completely. Mr. Weasley, noticing a difference, strode quickly to the cracked mirror hanging on the wall. He gaped at his reflection, then turned and charged at Dudley with a terrible yell and engulfed him in a big hug.  
  
"You did it, you did it, you did it!" Mr. Weasley yelled, tears of happiness leaking from his eyes. "I've been trying to fill in that bald spot for years! Muggles really are wonderful people," he sniffed.  
  
"Oh, Harry, I'm really sorry for not believing you. It's Fred and George's fault for making me suspicious of everything; blame it on them."  
  
"That's alright, Mr. Weasley. At least, as long as you don't expel me."  
  
"No, I don't think I will. I have to go back to the Ministry and sort everthing out. It was nice talking to you both."  
  
With that he Disapparated, leaving Harry and Dudley alone in the smallest bedroom.  
  
"Dudley," Harry began awkwardly, "I want to thank you for fessing up."  
  
"It was nothing," said Dudley, with his nose in the air. He quickly dissembled, and whispered, "Besides, I thought that if I told Mr. Weasle about me being magic, I might be able to go to Hogpimples with you.  
  
"Silly name for a school," he muttered absently.  
  
~*~  
  
Several days later, when Harry was showing Dudley Quidditch Through the Ages, he recieved a smack in the head by Pigwidgeon, accompanied by a letter from Ron. He scanned quickly through the messy writing while Dudley pretended Pig was a Snitch and tried to catch him over and over again.  
  
"Hah!" exclaimed Harry, "Nobody believes you thickened Mr. Weasley's hair. They think he did it to himself, but is too ashamed to admit it."  
  
Dudley grinned evilly, "So how long do we toy with this?"  
  
"You are most definitely a Slytherin, Dudley. How could you play with Mr. Weasley like this when he helped both of us out?" Harry exclaimed, outraged. After scanning through the letter again, he looked up thoughtfully. "How about two weeks," he said, an evil glint coloring his eyes.  
  
"Sounds good. Let's write the response."  
  
Half an hour later, finally satisfied with their wording (and Dudley satisfied that he would make a terrible Seeker), they sent the letter off with Pig, snickering evilly.  
  
Dear Ron,  
  
I don't know what you're talking about. Mr. Weasley's bald spot is gone? Well, he must have done it himself. Dudley's a Muggle! Your family is terrible at lying, by the way.  
  
Hope all is well,  
  
Harry  
  
You know, Harry thought to himself later that night while settling under the covers of his bed, I could really get used to having Dudley as a friend. He really isn't all that bad when he's not trying to turn me into a human punching-bag...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Thank you all for your reviews! You are all an inkpot for the driest of pens. Or something.  
  
JeanMarie --Yeah, Dudley's not quite as fat as usual here, but he's not a supermodel, so I guess it works. Hope you're enjoying this!  
  
maria – Thank you very much!  
  
MikiBaby—Yeah, unfortunately the Ministry doesn't follow these things very well. Dudley's a bit of an idiot, as you can see in this chapter, but it usually seems to work itself out... ;)  
  
Launigsiae—Thanks!  
  
JamieBell—Yeah, that was the gist, sort of. You found me out. I thought, "Well, hostile spell, defenseless little bugger with Lily Evans' blood in its veins. Why not?"  
  
jc 2021--::whimpers:: It's purple on my computer. You must be colorblind. Unless I am...  
  
Duke20104—Hahaha! Yeah, it was kinda obvious. I'm not good at that surprise thing... if you know what I mean... which I don't...  
  
BrokenAmbition—No! Snapey-poo is mine! I hope you're not one of those people who think the actor is hot. I just love the personality and the hooked nose. But you've got to admit, the man needs to take a bath!  
  
preety-lady-serenity--::snigger:: Hehe, that's a good image. Hmm, must use it... thanks for your review!  
  
Jennifer—I'm already there! ;) Thank you.  
  
chris pwure--Nah, you're not nit-picking. And even if you are, I like nit- pickers. The story will be of more importance later on. All we have now is Harry who doesn't really appreciate the importance and significance of books—even this one. Thank you for your nit. ;)  
  
moony391—Okay, okay! Here it is! Take a deep breath. There, ya happy? :D  
  
Sorry about the formatting problem last time. My computer was being poopy. I hope it doesn't happen again... 


	4. The Great Escape

Disclaimer: All your base are belong to us. Uh... sorry, wrong script.

* * *

When Dudley Met Harry

Chapter 4: The Great Escape

The weeks following the discovery of Dudley's magical abilities were some of Harry's best at Privet Drive. After exchanging several letters with an incredulous Ron (who still didn't believe Dudley wasn't exactly a Muggle) and a thoroughly over-excited Hermione ("Oh, but think of all the practical applications, Harry. If we discover and replicate what Hagrid did to Dudley, it may eliminate the occurrences of Squibs altogether!"), they agreed on a date to meet in Diagon Alley. Unfortunately, Ron was still entirely mistrustful of Dudley, while all Hermione wanted to do was get her hands on _Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone_.

Outside of the letter writing, Harry's activities were very different from those of previous summers. After Uncle Vernon left for work around eight o'clock in the morning, Dudley would sneak out of his room where he was supposedly playing video games and crawl up the ladder leading into Harry's bedroom. Aunt Petunia, busy with housekeeping and gossiping, never noticed what was occurring beneath her nose. And Dudley was actually quite good company, Harry realized. At times his behaviour lapsed back into what Harry called "punching-bag mode," but for the most part, he could be quite friendly when he put forth the effort. This friendliness was expressed a few days after Mr. Weasley's unexpected visit.

Harry lay in his bed reading _Advanced Guide to Transfigurations_ when he was interrupted by loud voices flowing through the open cat-flap.

"I can't let that freak run about the house, Dudley. He's dangerous, do you hear?" came Uncle Vernon's grunt.

"But daddy, I can't make fun of him properly when he's always locked in his room. It's actually making me very depressed," insisted Dudley. Upstairs, Harry gasped. _That silly bloke is actually going to get me out of here._ He creeped out of bed and tiptoed across the room, putting his ear to the opening in the cat-flap.

The sharp click of high-heels echoed across the room below, followed by Aunt Petunia's shrill, yet somehow sugary voice, "Oh, is my little Duddykins depressed? What is it you want, sweetums?"

"I want Harry to be let out of his room. I miss making him look stupid," and with that, Dudley began to sob loudly into his mother's shoulder. _What a drama queen,_ thought Harry sardonically, rolling his eyes.

Aunt Petunia rounded on her husband, "Vernon! What have you done to our poor little Dudders? You set this right at once!" Harry sniggered evilly, imagining the look on Uncle Vernon's face as he was torn between letting a _wizard_ run about his house freely and keeping his child nicely spoiled.

"Fine, he can join us at meals," said a very annoyed Uncle Vernon, "But only then, and only if he cleans up afterwards. I won't have that… that _boy_ making messes and not cleaning up after himself."

From then on, Harry was allowed the luxury of eating non-water-based meals at the table. Of course, he had to endure endless insults from a very imaginative Dudley, and he often had to duck his head under the table to hide his laughter, unable to control himself any longer, but all in all, it was worth it.  
  


* * *

Harry slumped lethargically down the stairs one morning, barely able to keep his eyes open. He had spent nearly the whole night telling an overenthusiastic Dudley about Diagon Alley. They were due to go this afternoon. Dudley had told his parents he was going to a party and he needed a man-servant, so Harry must come along. Harry often wondered just how he was related to such gullible people. As he reached the foot of the stairs, a loud, repetitive thumping noise announced Dudley's arrival. He bounced in front of Harry, shaking the heavily polished wood floor, with a silly grin on his face, his eyebrows approaching his hairline in his excitement.

"Calm down Dudley," grumped Harry sleepily, "It's way too early in the morning for this kind of cheerfulness." Dudley's face grew incredulous.

"But Harry, I'm going to get a _wand_ today!!"

"Dudley, how many times do I have to explain it to you? Muggles don't _get_ wands. Nor do once-Muggles as far as I know. We've waited weeks and you haven't gotten a Hogwarts letter. Face it, Dudley, you're just not magic enough."

"Don't be such a spoilsport," exclaimed Dudley, apparently not soaking in a word Harry said.

Harry sighed. He knew there was no way for Dudley to get a wand when he wasn't going to Hogwarts, but there was nothing he could say to make Dudley get that through his thick skull. Harry decided it would be simplest to give him a fake wand from Weasley's Wizard Wheezes and tell him it was supposed to turn into a rubber chicken at times.

They sat at either side of the square kitchen table while Aunt Petunia finished frying an omelet. As she was filling Dudley's plate with a generous portion of the breakfast, Uncle Vernon came out of his study with the morning paper and sat to Harry's left. Breakfast proceeded in silence for a few minutes until Dudley looked across the table and announced, "Harry, your hair looks like a crow that's been at an Alka-Seltzer."

Harry was able to control his laughter enough to look hurt at this statement (although Uncle Vernon agreeing loudly with this sentiment did help a bit). "And you know what else," Dudley continued, his upper lip twitching noticeably, "Your eyes are the color of a fresh pickled toad."

This time Harry didn't have any laughter to control. "How—how did you know that?" he squeaked. Dudley looked at him strangely, just as Uncle Vernon looked at Dudley.

"Why on earth would you ever want to pickle a toad?" Uncle Vernon asked suspiciously. Just then a click and a small flop indicated the arrival of the post.

"Let me get that," said Harry graciously, jumping out of his seat looking a bit shocked and scared. He walked through the hallway towards the small packet of letters lying undearneath the front door, barely catching Dudley stuttering, "Er, I'm not sure. Ask the pickling company."

As he wandered back slowly, he flipped idly through the mail, coming across a large parchment-letter with the Hogwarts seal in it. What shocked him the most about this letter was that instead of the name "Harry Potter" he had grown accustomed to seeing written across the front was written "Dudley Dursley."

He stopped right before the turn in the hallway that would make him visible to the kitchen. This letter could not be seen by Uncle Vernon or he'd throw a fit. Or at least a few teacups. At Harry's head. And that was not a good idea.

"Boy, what are you doing in there?" came Uncle Vernon's dull grunt. Thinking quickly, Harry tucked the letter into the waistband of his loose hand-me-down jeans. It fell through his left pant-leg onto the ground. He tucked it into the back of his underwear band, blushing and wondering how Dudley would react to knowing where it was.

He hurried quickly into the kitchen and handed the various postcards and bills to Uncle Vernon. He sat back down on his chair with a small crunch as the letter crinkled. Uncle Vernon looked at him strangely. "Are you stealing letters, boy?" he growled suspiciously.

"Uhh, no! It's just the plastic cover on this chair," Harry lied, his ears turning a bit red. "It crinkles a bit if you sit on it wrong."

He could tell Uncle Vernon wasn't buying it. "That chair has no plastic cover on it."

"Oh, so it doesn't. It should probably stop crinkling then."

"What have you got in your pants, boy," growled Uncle Vernon menacingly. Harry blushed.

"Well, not much actually, sorry to say."

Uncle Vernon, trying his hardest not to laugh, pulled Harry up and grabbed the letter from his waistband.

"Why were you stealing Dudley's mail?" he growled, passing it over to Dudley without looking at it. Harry let out the breath he had been holding and motioned for Dudley to hide it under the table.

"So, what was it?" asked Uncle Vernon after sorting through various bills.

"What was what?" asked Aunt Petunia.

"Well, Dudley's letter, of course!"

They both turned towards a pale-faced Dudley. "Uh, you—you see, it was…"

"It was from a girl!" exclaimed Harry excitedly. "That's why I tried to hide it. I wanted to see if it's a love note."

Dudley caught on. "She wrote to inform me that the party is going to be day-long so we should come early."

"Well it was nice of her to send you a note," squeaked Aunt Petunia, "Just how early do you have to go and when will you be back?"

"We should leave directly after breakfast and will be back around midnight, hopefully."

Harry was quite impressed despite himself. As they left Privet Drive, Harry lugging his trunk with him (with the Invisibility cloak wrapped around it), he was still in shock at how neatly Dudley had wrapped up matters.

As they turned into a secluded park, preparing to call the Knight Bus, Dudley smiled triumphantly at Harry.

"Told you I'd get a wand."

* * *

A/N: Again, I'd like to thank you all for all the wonderful reviews you've given me. I've uploaded two one-shots last night. Feel free to drop in a note about them; I don't think they're particularly good, but whatever... ;)

maria: Yeah, I know everyone's OOC to the extreme. It's part of my craziness. I just thought that maybe Mr. Weasley having so much stress in his household, etc, and having to lie to the Ministry to help Harry would kinda be a bit cranky. You're right though, I over-did it. Thanks for your review!!

LighningCleave: No one thought it was possible for Mr. Weasley to be even more fond of them until Dudley proved them wrong. I'm glad you enjoyed that chapter!

Mikibaby: Thanks for your review! Yeah, I don't know what was up with the Oklahoma, either. I blame it on exams. ;)

jennifer: Here it is! I hope you enjoy this chapter as much!

Legendary DigiTamer Lee: Hehe, cool name! Thanks soo much for your kind review! I hope I haven't let you down!

JamieBell: Thought it would be funny if Dudley was kindof a Mr. Weasley counterpart on the messing up of terms. ;) Thanks for all of your reviews! You're my most consistant reviewer! And the little bars are a feature of QuickEdit. It's the button located to the right of the alignment options when you preview/edit an uploaded document. Hope that helps!

Launigsiae: Thank you! Where did your name come from, btw? It sounds pretty cool.

preety-lady-serenity: ::pretending to be an expert which I am not:: Yes, indeed. That's how these magical transfers usually work out. ::smokes a pipe:: Thanks for your review! :)

BrokenAmbition: Yeah, I see what you mean about Rickman's voice. ::blushes:: I always imagined Sevviekins' voice to be like that, too for some reason... Thanks for your review!

Duke20104: Thanks for your kind comments! Yes, it does seem that Dudley is indeed going to Hogwarts... unless I throw in some crazy plot twist... which I might... cause I'm crazy... :D

dolphingirl79: Yeah, I can't write a chapter for a long period of time. I end up uploading quickly to see what you guys have to say! Thanks for your review!

JeanMarie: Thanks a lot! As for whether or not Dudley goes to Hogwarts, I guess you'll just have to hang around to find out... ;)

aihja: Thanks! I'm blushing here. Yeah, I'm trying with Dudley, but he just doesn't really want to be mean anymore. So he comes out kinda stupid and wanna-be-cool. Which I guess works...

* * *

Sorry for taking so long with the update. Finals. Unngh...  



	5. Cries from Chronic Alley

When Dudley Met Harry  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I do, however, own Reynold the Revolting's goolies. Not that it makes me any happier...

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Chapter 5: Cries from Chronic Alley  
  
Harry and Dudley stopped in a secluded park between Magnolia Crescent and Butterworth Drive, each carrying one end of Harry's invisible trunk. Harry glanced around cautiously and attempted to draw his wand covertly. "Okay, Dudley," he whispered, "Now, no matter what happens, don't yell."  
  
"Er... alright," Dudley replied warily.  
  
"Right, then." Harry lifted his wand, and with a loud BANG, a blindingly violet triple-decker screeched to a halt in the rosebushes of one of the tidy houses lining Butterworth Drive. Dudley tripped face-first into the pavement in surprise, and started squealing loudly before Harry could clamp a hand around his mouth.  
  
"Didn't I tell you to be quiet?" he whispered angrily.  
  
"Yeah, you did," Dudley squeaked. "You seem to have forgotten to tell me a huge bus would appear out of nowhere and try to run me over!"  
  
"Get over yourself, Dudley. It's just the Knight Bus."  
  
After numerous loud exclamations from Stan ("Neville! I knew you'd come back!"), Harry and Dudley managed to get on the bus and take seats behind the driver. Glancing around, he noticed the lumpy beds that once filled the Bus were replaced with small wooden chairs that didn't look very sturdily anchored.  
  
"What's the fare to Diagon Alley?" asked Harry.  
  
"Hmm, 12 Sickles per seat, so 36 Sickles."  
  
"Erm, we only have two people here," said Harry, confused.  
  
"Yeah, that may be, but you've got three peoples' worth of meat." Dudley looked ready to cry.  
  
"I'm—I'm getting better," he said, facing his shoes.  
  
They moved to take their seats, Dudley sitting in two. After gaining his balance by planting his feet firmly around his heavy trunk, Harry took in his surroundings. A few wizards and witches were riding, hanging on either to the sides of the bus or to the light fixtures hanging from the roof, including a Madame Marsh that looked quite ready to be sick. You'd think she'd either learn her lesson or get used to it by now, thought Harry condescendingly.  
  
Soon enough, the bus jerked to an abrupt stop in the back of the Leaky Cauldron, dropping Dudley and Harry off with a few others. Dudley appeared ready to wet himself in excitement.  
  
"Ooh, Harry, can we go drink butterbeer?" he squealed excitedly.  
  
"Erm, it's not exactly a good idea to drink something that rich so early in the morning. We can wander around and buy school materials, then meet up with the Weasleys and drink some together, but first I need to get some gold out of my vault."  
  
"Yes," said Dudley enviously, "I want to see if the book over-exaggerated how much money you have."  
  
Harry looked a little embarrassed. "Actually, I think it under-estimated, but you can see for yourself."  
  
As they walked against the flow of people towards Gringotts, Harry noticed people glancing strangely at him, as if unsure of his sanity. They're probably wondering about Dudley, Harry thought, detachedly observing his cousin hop up and down excitedly in front of a broom display.  
  
Soon enough, the boys were loaded into a small metal cart and wheeled quickly towards Harry's vault. With a twist of the key and the opening of the vault door, Dudley stared inside at the monstrous piles gold and silver coins and ruby-encrusted golden boxes of family jewels and promptly fainted.

* * *

Two hours later found Harry and Dudley in front of Ollivanders, a new trunk of school equipment between them. Dudley was in a state of nervous excitement as he entered in the shabby little shop. He stood by the counter as Mr. Ollivander made his way to the front of the store.  
  
"I'm here to buy a wand," said Dudley proudly.  
  
"Who the hell are you?" asked Mr. Ollivander, taking in the first-year supply list Dudley held clutched in his hand.  
  
"Dudley Dursley."  
  
"His friends call him 'Big D,'" Harry supplied helpfully. Dudley shot him a repressive look.  
  
After taking a few measurements and staring at Dudley in confusion, Mr. Ollivander proceeded to hand Dudley box after box, thrusting wand after wand into his pudgy hands and throwing them into a growing pile after each disappointment. Dudley became more and more dejected as Mr. Ollivander became thoroughly excited.  
  
"How about 15 inches, pine with a dragon heartstring core? Give it a swish." Nothing.  
  
"Hmmm... 12 ½ inches, ash, phoenix feather?" Nothing.  
  
"Let's try 16 ¼ inches, red oak, with core of manticore horn?"  
  
Dudley swished the wand through the air, gibbering excitedly as violet and silver sparks flew out the end of his wand. "Didja see that, Harry? Bloody brilliant," he practically yelled, jumping up and down in excitement.  
  
Mr. Ollivander peered closely at Dudley unblinkingly, seeming somewhat shocked. "Well, Mr. Dursley, a word of warning: all is not as it seems. I remember every wand I have ever sold. Safe journey, wherever your life may lead you."  
  
As they walked towards Fortescue's, Dudley quietly asked Harry, "Is he always that creepy?"  
  
Harry nodded. "Always."

* * *

Richest man, so full of pride  
The best of brooms he always rides  
He smiles and waves at those who stare  
Not knowing that his bum is bare.  


  
"Strange poem for a streetsign," Dudley commented thoughtfully.  
  
"Ya think?" said Harry sardonically. "You know, I never noticed that before. It's hung at the intersection between Diagon Alley and Chronic Alley. What's Chronic Alley?"  
  
"Where you buy magical timepieces, o' course," said a familiar voice directly behind Harry.  
  
Harry whipped around quickly, then cranked his neck up, "Ron! You're huge!"  
  
"Er, thanks, I think," replied Ron, grinning. "How's it going, Harry? Things have been... interesting lately, haven't they?"  
  
"You can say that again," replied Harry. "I'm actually not all that bad, considering I have to go straight back to my aunt and uncle."  
  
They walked into Chronic Alley, searching for a watch to replace the one Harry ruined the year before during the second Task. Varying sizes of brightly-coloured shops all filled with timepieces of different sorts lined the narrow, cobbled sidewalk.  
  
"So what was that poem back there all about?" asked Dudley, tiring of hearing endless Quidditch discussions of which he could take no part.  
  
"Yeah," added Harry, somewhat confused, "that was weird even for the wizarding world."  
  
Ron peered down at Harry, eyebrows raised. "Please tell me you've heard of Reynold the Revolting."  
  
"Sorry, mate, can't say I have."  
  
Ron rolled his eyes, grumbling something having to do with "Muggles" and "stupid ignorant git."  
  
"Okay, so a long time ago—"  
  
"Everything's a long time ago here," Dudley interrupted, holding open the door to Wimbleton's Wizarding Watches which read "Serving Chronic Alley since 122 BC".  
  
"—there was this guy named Reynold the Revolting. He was really rich. In fact, he was actually Malfoy's ancestor."  
  
"Explains the 'Revolting,'" interjected Harry.  
  
"You're telling me," Ron shuddered, "and it's even alright to be somewhat revolting under a decent set of robes, but Reynold didn't have that luxury."  
  
"I have the feeling the last line of that poem is soon going to make sense."  
  
"Shut up and let me tell the story," said Ron in a pleasant tone. "He was a real jerk, Reynold was. He murdered his best mate's wife for not marrying him." Dudley whistled while Harry rolled his eyes, clearly wanting to say something about bloodlines.  
  
"In the end, his friend decided not to kill him, but to do something much, much worse. He ordered a tailor to make the finest set of robes. They were absolutely spectacular. But they were enchanted to be invisible to all but the wearer."  
  
Harry gasped, "He didn't!"  
  
"He did. He gave them to Reynold as a birthday gift. The man would sweep through Diagon and Chronic Alleys on broomstick every to weeks or so wearing them and a gold wristwatch. He never figured it out. Always thought people were struck silly by his amazing robes instead of his grotesque goolies."  
  
Harry sniggered, red faced. "Where the ruddy-hell do you hear these things?"  
  
"What, it's what lots of witches tell their kids about before bed. Kind of a lesson—never kill people or something rubbishy like that."  
  
They turned their attention back to the watches. Harry was about to pick a normal one with a nice steel chain, when Ron plucked it out of his hands and tossed it back into the pile.  
  
"You can't go around with a useless watch like that! Here's a good one." He thrust another metal-chained wristwatch he had been favouring at Harry. The face was completely blank. Harry raised one eyebrow at Ron.  
  
"Go on, try it out!" Ron insisted. Harry clasped it around his wrist, relishing in the smooth feel of well-tempered metal on his wrist. He glanced at the blank face which suddenly swirled with letters, resting when the message read, "Five minutes to death and destruction."  
  
He ripped it off and glanced at the brand-name. "What is this, some kind of Trelawny watch?"  
  
Dudley walked slowly towards Harry, pale-faced. "Um, Harry, what's a deatheater? Only that doesn't sound so good."  
  
Harry turned voice quivering slightly, "What are you talking about Dudley?"  
  
"Well, this pocket-watch here is telling me we have two minutes to get the hell out of here before deatheaters arrive. I take it it's not referring to anything that feasts on carrion."  
  
Harry quickly paid for the Trelawny wristwatch at the back of the store and strode hurriedly towards Diagon Alley flanked by Ron and Dudley, hoping ever-accurate wizarding watches had been incorrect for a change.

* * *

Hey everybody! I want to apologise deeply for my absence. So much has happened recently, and I spent quite a long time planning out what would happen in this story. I'm pleased to say it will soon develop a semi-decent plot, the beginnings of which are becoming evident in this chapter.  
  
Thanks to all of my wonderful reviewers! I like you! I love you! I want more of you!! Here's everybody who was awesome enough to review (you all have my deepest gratitude):  
  
Comment-less:  
  
bk, FuNnY cIdE (funny name), Gryphonmistress, Hermionewexa , JamieBell, JeanieBeanie33, jennifer, maria, McCallM.Daneils, missgiggles12087, red- jacobson, Sirius1Fan, and SweetiePye2332,  
  
Commented:  
  
duke20104: You are awesome! No, he hasn't read the second book. This is a very important fact later on in the fic.  
  
Legendary DigiTamer Lee: Gee, I think my ego has fallen in love with you. :D  
  
preety-lady-serenity: I love your HP story!!!! Everyone, go read it now. It's awesome!  
  
MikiBaby: Yeah, that's a detail I haven't made clear yet. It isn't really published in the Muggle world. It is, however, the only book that Dudley, or any Muggle, has had access to.  
  
ShortyFaillace: I bow before the greatness of milk-duds.  
  
jc 2021: Okay, I just got a laptop and the review button is blue on it. Hmmm... I think it's a conspiracy. What do you think? ;)  
  
A special thanks to tansy1354 for making me get off my lazy bum and polish off this chapter. Thank you.

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Did you know you can do magic? Click the button below and type in a special incantation, and it'll create the strongest cheering charm that works halfway across the world. Give it a shot. :) 


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